(started this entry 23/04/12) just sucks at the moment I had another job lined up I really wanted it I applied interviewed made it to call backs got nervous and fucked up pissed off about that now the reality has hit home about how angry and stressed my current job makes me its just people bitching at me all the time trying to organise instructors and schools and stock when no one tells you what is going on its ridiculous I can't cope.

Edit:(25/04/12) feeling a bit less depressed today still need to get a new job this one will just keep stressing and depressing me

i just feel like something is wrong i dont know what i dont know why i just seem to be worrying about work about relationships about life in general its probably just my own paranoia but that doesnt stop the worry and i dont know what to do

Is it all just a colossal waste of time?

At the moment my days consist of waking up invariably late missing my exercise trying to write my dissertation never sure if I am writing crap or not searching for jobs and if I am lucky finding one that I can apply for basically I am wondering if this is all worth it
Why did I bother with my degree why did I bother with this masters I should have just chosen a subject that would lead me straight into a job and done that. At the moment I can’t see why I did it I can’t see my future I just want to be done with the set up I want to start my life damn it! I don’t want to have to spend time making money so I can take another course to get yet another qualification so I can get the job I want. I just want to get a job get a house and settle down and get on with my life.
I’m hating it at the moment everything just depresses me I can’t seem to handle anything I get angry as well I just can’t seem to control myself I have no idea what to do about it.
On top of it all I’m trying to lose weight and doing incredibly badly I keep oversleeping probably because I am depressed and anytime something happens I go and comfort eat which does not help with the diet it’s all just bollocks

god i am so disgustingly fat i so need to lose weight

i'll admit it yesterday i was feeling really down about things i got turned down from a job and i was honestly feeling that i would fail this masters degree and even if i didn't i would be blocked by my 2:2 degree. but now after having gotten my first essay back and getting a 65 which is a solid merit and applying for another job aready (one which doesn't mind my 2:2 degree) i feel much much better i feel positive again

1) i hate ads

2) i recently applied for a job in a job in national security in the british government got to the test day, they said i'd hear back in 10 working days 2 days later i heard i didn't make it to the next stage. why is it bad news is always faster. i cannot apply again for a year

3) adding to the horrible job/career stuff i have been reading about graduate jobs and everything i have read says basically that unless you got a 2:1 or higher there is no point having a degree. so i have wasted four years of my life and a huge amount of money and i am going to end up with a shit job anyway.

4) the only thing really want to do is go into teaching classics but i need to have latin and greek which i don't and i can't learn.

so yes everything job wise is really looking up

now would be a good time to go to a dark bar with depressing blues music and start drinking whiskey

that is all

i need to hit something until all the anger and frustration is gone

so its been a great 4 days i got to see a load of my uni friends and much more importantly my lovely girlfriend. we've had a great few days but now i'm all alone and i really miss natalie i feel kind of melancholy i know its nothing but it really got me down shes only been gone a day

i've been back all of 4 hours and somehow everything is my fault and i'm getting shouted at and moaned at and then when i try to help i still somehow get shouted at and moaned out. my sister is having wild mood swings between sickly happy and screaming and then crying. i haven't even seen my dad i can't stand this place i can't wait to get out